Past events have brought me to the decision to write. So many things have happened to me recently and I have no other way of...expressing myself? I am scared, truly, if I must be honest. I feel that what I used to know, what I had grown accustom to is completely ripped away from me. But now that I am going back and reading what I just wrote in pen...it seems that my words could be a little misleading.
This is a good thing...I think, I hope that it is.
It all started with Cole, and I hate that I must go back to him. It seems that things always go back to him and it is infuriating. Even when I look at old t-shirts I use to wear to bed, with nothing else on except underwear, I think about him and the times we had sleepovers at one another's houses, or the bracelet hanging from the lamp on my bedside table. The one he gave me that does not fit anymore. It is a little beat up but it still gives me that same warm feeling deep down like the night I received it. The same damn night that I built up enough courage to kiss him and he kicked me off of him, sending my stomach rocketing towards myasshole! Speaking of asshole, he is one. A huge one, if I may add! It has been almost three years and it still eats me up inside. I don't know if it is because I am angry at him for rejecting me or if I am angry at myself for losing him. Either way, the situation is of one that is hard for me to forget and brings about questions I don’t think I am able to answer just yet. I have a feeling that I am waiting for something to guide me instead of relying on myself to make a decision.
I find it humorous, though; that I am writing this on bar napkins as I sit and drink Dr. Pepper from a straw in a liquor glass, but tonight will conclude another gig at the Axe! Yes, I said “gig.” I am in a band now where I lovingly play my bass for the Sunken Tides. They are such great people. Really, they are, and I am grateful for their acceptance. Is it too much for me to say that I feel like I owe them my life? Lately, my bass has been my life, and they are utilizing it to not only their advantage, but mine as well. The questions that have been dredged up to torture me from the incident with Cole have gotten worse. The lead singer is kind of the reason for my torment. He won’t keep his hands off of me! It is a little awkward and sometimes I feel he is doing it as some kind of payment for letting me join the band, but he is such a sweet person that those accusations are thrown away instantly. I don’t know who I am and I sometimes feel that I am in denial about a few things, but I am beginning to like where I am at right now despite the problems at home and the prospect of going back to school soon. Besides, the attention feels good sometimes. Anyways, I think the band set up another gig coming this weekend, and I am excited as usual.
This is a good thing...I think, I hope that it is.
It all started with Cole, and I hate that I must go back to him. It seems that things always go back to him and it is infuriating. Even when I look at old t-shirts I use to wear to bed, with nothing else on except underwear, I think about him and the times we had sleepovers at one another's houses, or the bracelet hanging from the lamp on my bedside table. The one he gave me that does not fit anymore. It is a little beat up but it still gives me that same warm feeling deep down like the night I received it. The same damn night that I built up enough courage to kiss him and he kicked me off of him, sending my stomach rocketing towards my
I find it humorous, though; that I am writing this on bar napkins as I sit and drink Dr. Pepper from a straw in a liquor glass, but tonight will conclude another gig at the Axe! Yes, I said “gig.” I am in a band now where I lovingly play my bass for the Sunken Tides. They are such great people. Really, they are, and I am grateful for their acceptance. Is it too much for me to say that I feel like I owe them my life? Lately, my bass has been my life, and they are utilizing it to not only their advantage, but mine as well. The questions that have been dredged up to torture me from the incident with Cole have gotten worse. The lead singer is kind of the reason for my torment. He won’t keep his hands off of me! It is a little awkward and sometimes I feel he is doing it as some kind of payment for letting me join the band, but he is such a sweet person that those accusations are thrown away instantly. I don’t know who I am and I sometimes feel that I am in denial about a few things, but I am beginning to like where I am at right now despite the problems at home and the prospect of going back to school soon. Besides, the attention feels good sometimes. Anyways, I think the band set up another gig coming this weekend, and I am excited as usual.
I have noticed someone really watching the band intently. He is very odd and a little too beautiful to be real. It might be my love of fantasy novels, but I think he is a figment of my imagination. He is elegant and I can tell that he comes from wealth by the way he holds himself and how much money he spends on his liquor. My subconscious, however, wants to believe he is coming every weekend to see me. I try to tell it to shut up but it keeps rearing its ugly head through my daily fantasies and my dreams. I can’t get this man out of my mind and to make matters worse, I caught him following me (or maybe I made that part up). I was leaving one night and I turned around to find him staring at me from the shadows. It was a little creepy at first, however, I was going to say something but he flew away like a frightened cat! That will probably be the last I see of him, and to be honest, that makes me sad.
With a muddled mind, I say goodbye,
Reese ❤
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